CANCER SUCKS!!!

          Cancer. It has affected all of us in some way, shape or form. For me, I lost my grandfather to lung cancer 25 years ago this October. I've lost a high school friend and teammate just two years ago to breast cancer. And now that evil, wretched ugly word has wormed its way back into my life again, this time, a coworker whose husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer a week ago. This is not just any coworker. This is someone I think of as another mom, someone I have confided in about anything and everything, someone who on occasion has had to talk some sense into me and has kept me sane and grounded through a lot of bullshit. And I feel completely helpless. These people are incredible people. They would give you the shirt off their backs. They have welcomed Bec and I into their home and family and we have spent a significant amount of time together hanging out. Just last summer I went with them to see Bob Dylan in concert (one of their favorites) and we have plans to see Santana this summer. And why this, why now? They have had more personal tragedy then anyone I know and have managed to come out on top and always keep it together. Sunday was the first day since learning of "Uncle" B's prognosis that I have managed to keep it together long than a few hours. That was after we went to church and the psalm of the day was Psalm 23 which reads:
          The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
          Are. You. Kidding. Me? I thought there was no way this was coincidence. In a 96 hour span where I just found out one of my closest friends husband is dying, this is the psalm for this week. I had voiced my anger with God, and admittedly, screamed and cursed the Lord's name. But this took the cake.

          In the days prior to finding this out, there was some strangeness that had occurred. Strangeness is the best word I could come up with. April 21, myself and some friends traveled to South Bend for the Notre Dame Spring Game and to see the sights of the beautiful campus. Among those sites, was of course The Grotto. If you have never heard of it, the Grotto is like a small cave filled with candles and people go there and light candles and say prayers and just reflect. It's a quiet, peaceful place, away from the noise and crowds of the otherwise bustling campus. Prior to going to the Grotto, I had been having this looming feeling that something wasn't right at home, but had not heard from Bec, or my parents or siblings, so I assumed it was nothing. But when I lit that candle I said a little prayer for that feeling, whatever it was, because it felt like it needed attention. Later as we headed toward the campus bookstore, we saw the Cancer Tree, a tree with ribbons tied to it with the various colors of cancer awareness ribbons. I wanted to tie a pink ribbon on the tree, in memory of my high school friend and my godmother who both passed away from breast cancer. Instead, there were no pink ribbons so I chose white, which signified unspecified types of cancer, still not knowing what I would be learning later in the week.
          Even now, almost a week later, I am still a little raw emotionally and feel myself getting upset when I think about it for too long. I know "Uncle" B is going to fight this whole heartedly, 100%. And we are all in the fight with him. Thinking of you often and every prayer imaginable to you, friend.

Past Due for an Update!

So, it appears I have neglected this poor thing for a little over 18 months. I suppose it is time to update what's been going on. Well, nursing school did not work out in my favor, which I have totally come to terms with. It took awhile, but I am ok with it now. I knew my desire was to work in surgery. So this past fall, I started the Surgical Technology program at Owens Community College. I had a great first semester back, finishing with a 3.0 G.P.A. I am three weeks into my second semester and will be starting my clinical rotation next week. I am chomping at the bit to get into the OR and finally get to see/do some real work! Speaking of work, I am still working as a sterile tech at "the Bay". I love my job (most days) and the people I work with (most days). Quit Depot all together this past September (don't need a nursing school failure repeat) and have been focusing my time and energy on studying. Bec and I are great! Although she works two jobs and I am crazy busy between school and work, we still manage to make it work. After all, that's what love is all about, right? Family is doing well (both mine and Bec's). Welcomed a niece, Brooklyn Mae, in May to my brother Andy and his wife Missy. Big brother Aiden turned 2 in September and he is so good with his little sister. We also welcomed a SECOND set of twins to Bec's brother Steve and his wife Katie in August. The bubbas were very excited to become big brothers to sister Molly and brother Emmett. All of these babies around us have my damn internal clock tick ticking away. Sometimes, it feels like it's screaming at me. Eventually, we plan to get pregnant, but are putting it off until I am done with school. I know, our eggs aren't getting any fresher, but we have to do for us while we can before we have someone else to think about. Ok, that should bring everyone up to speed. I am hoping to be motivated to post more often, as I always have material to post about. However, I make no promises!

Oh My Middle of June Already!!!!

Wow!!! A lot has happened since I last posted (early April it appears). Well...nursing school didn't exactly pan out like I had hoped. I suppose some of it has to do with how much of a work-a-holic I was/am. Trying to balance two jobs and nursing school really did end up being crazy!!! So long story short, it does not appear that a career in nursing is in my near future. It was definitely a very dark and depressing time. After I realized just how much I was sinking in my classes, I was coming home after work/class and simply crawling into bed, crying myself to sleep, some nights not even staying awake to eat dinner. On my "days off" from work, I would lay in bed all day and then feel guilty when Bec got home after being at work all day because I had done absolutely NOTHING all damn day, not even got up to shower (gross I know, as I feel disgusting when I don't get my daily shower). It had been quite some time since I had been in such a dark place in my life, leaving several friends worrying about me, to the point of wanting me to start taking SSRI's (happy pills people). Thankfully it only lasted a short time. The hardest part was feeling like I had let my family down. Even at almost 30, I still feel it's very important to make one's family proud, and bombing nursing school left me feeling I had done everything but that. I had great conversations with my mom, brother, and sister-in-law and all three made it so much easier to accept my academic failing. As for now, any future school plans are on the back burner, so to speak. I guess the one good thing is that I already have my Bachelor's Degree, which would allow me to attempt my Master's in nursing if I so choose to ( a co-worker is trying to talk me into this but I am not at all sure how I feel about it). It has certainly been quite a change only working one job as well. All of the extra free time has been rough getting used to but I think I have adjusted well!!! When the semester ended in May, I took my first REAL vacation in about 4-5 years and headed out West with my cousins, Debbie and Shannon, Debbie's friend Beth and the best non-boyfriend boyfriend EVER, my boy Eric. We spent three days in Vegas visiting my cousin Kerri, who works for the Blue Man Group (yes we saw the show and it was pretty AMAZING). Spent a lot of time on The Strip, lost a little money (came home down $10) and just got to chill and relax. We then drove over to Los Angeles to see my other cousin, Kasey and her fiance, Farley. LA was incredible. It was my first time to Cali and I can't wait to go back!!! What a great time, seeing the ocean for the first time (sad I know), watching all the crazies on Hollywood Blvd and in Venice Beach, and taking in the Dodgers/Tigers game. All in all I would have to say it was a pretty successful trip! OK I think you have all been updated enough...going to attempt to accomplish some things before dinner. HOLLA!!!

End of an era...

Well...this coming Saturday (April 3rd) is my last official day at the Depot. I can't believe it has been 5 1/2 years!!! Man time flies. So many things have happened in that short amount of time, it just doesn't seem possible. I have learned so many things from my experiences there, not just about how to fix up my house but also life in general. I have made a lot of friends (and enemies too, I am sure) there and the ones that are true friends will always remain that (you know who you are). I knew it was time to go when it just wasn't fun anymore. It will also open up my weekends (who doesn't want that) so I can actually have real free time to study. I just came to a point where I realized I had to start doing for me and not everyone else. Don't get me wrong, I have definitely been well taken care of while I was there, but it was time for a change. It will be weird to only work one job instead of two, plus school on top of that. People always tell me they can't believe I am working two jobs plus going to Nursing school. And when they ask me how I do it, I never really know what to tell them. I guess it's the work ethic my parents instilled in me at a young age, or maybe the caffeine and "stress smoking" I do when things get crazy. Either way, I have been doing it and it will be nice to finally catch a break...My school load has seemed to lighten itself somewhat...nothing different or anything just seems to be going a lot smoother. 35 days (including fianls week) left in the semester and I will have officially survived my first semester of Nursing school...the month of May cannot get here fast enough!!!!

Thanks for the warning...

Now I like to consider myself a fairly smart person, I mean common sense and book smarts combined. But did I really think it was possible to work two jobs, go to nursing school full-time and still somehow maintain a healthy relationship with my significant other? I was fully aware that nursing school was probably going to be the death of me but HOLY HELL!!! I can with all honesty say I have never in my life felt so incredibly stressed out, not even when I was coming out did I feel this stressed. I have smoked more cigarettes and swore more in the last 6-8 weeks that most who don't know me would ask if I was a truck driver! What bothers me most is that I am having a difficult time finding the motivation to study and buckle down. But why? Then I start to wonder if I am doing the right thing by being in nursing school. Why do I want to be a nurse? The pressure I have put on myself to finish nursing school is beyond measureable. I guess I am trying to compare it to my mom's experience of nursing school. She was pregnant and gave birth to her third child and only weeks later returned to school and graduated. HOW THE HELL DID SHE DO IT?!?! I mean, my mom and I may not have always gotten along, but I damn sure admire and respect that she and my dad were taking care of two kids (under the age of 5) and she was finishing nursing school. Damn...I'm 29 years old, have no kids, work two jobs (one of which is only one day a week), and cannot for the life of me get motivated to be studious. I want so much more out of life than what I am doing right now. I want B and I to be able to travel and just relax. I don't like who I am when I am stressed out. I get angry, I scream, I cry. Just last week I had a complete melt down at work because I was stressing out about a 15 question quiz in Pharmacology (which I got a B on). Jeseus pull it together, I thought. Right in front of my boss too. (Thank God she is an RN and knows exactly what I am going through). Still, I used to think I was stronger than that. Anyone that knows me well knows I have a tough exterior and big gushy center, a center I don't let show very often. So for me to meltdonw like that was horrifying to me. And when I pologized to my boss later that day, she said "I understand. I was there once and remember how hard it was. You have a lot on your plate and if you need time off to study it's yours". It's the first time someone has told me they understand (aside from my mom of course) what I am going through. That's what makes it so hard when I come home at the end of a long, draining day. B doesn't know what I am going through and she doesn't know how to help besides to say how proud she is and how much she loves. That I am thankful for. Because I know that if it wasn't for her love and the love of family and friends, I would have quit before I was this far in to it. But I am not a quitter...I have too much pride for that. So for now I will continue ploughing through it and keep at it, trying to find my motivation along the way...

Maybe This Won't Be So Bad Afterall

Just finished my fifth week of Spring Semester and it feels amazing!!! I see the lightbulb lighting up in class as more and more things are coming together in my little brain. SO much easier taking Pharmacology in a classroom than taking it online (if I ever think about taking online classes again someone work hard to talk me out of it). Managed an A on my Pharm exam last week and then turned around and got a B on my Concepts exam (thanks V!!). Clinicals are going alot more smoothly...kind of laid it out on the table to my instructor that I don't appreciate being pushed into things I am not yet comfortable doing and she seemed cool with it..I suppose we will see how this next week goes I guess. I miss my boys (no not my nephews, I mean "my boys"). I know the four of them understand me throwing myself into my school work and I appreciate the fact that they respect that too. I have some pretty great friends. I do however miss my nephews, although we did have dinner with Steve (my brother-in-law) and the twins last weekend. I can't believe how fast they are growing and how incredibly smart (sometimes too smart) they are! And how can I forget my Aiden-Boy!!! He now rolls over all by himself at 4 months old. AAHHH!!! It's all so frustrating to feel like you have zero time for those you love but know the end result will payoff for you in the long run...I just hope that they all know that...I suppose I should get back to the books...have been procrastinating a bit since I came home from work..until next time...

Busy Busy Busy

Wow the last month has flown by!!! Fall semester ended (needless to say it was not one of my more stellar performances), Christmas came and went, followed by the New Year (oh yeah squeeze my birthday in between the two), and on to the start of Spring Semester. Not sure how I feel about it. I am in my semester clinical of nursing school and I have to admit I was extremely OVERWHELMED to say the least. Last week was our first hands on with patients and let's just say it pretty much solidified my wanting to be a surgical nurse :-)  Concepts and Pharmacology are both rather dry (although Concepts should be a little easier since this is the second time I am taking it :-(  I cut back to part-time hours at Depot and that seems to be helping to ease the stress of finding time to study. I am beginning to take "shadow" call this week at the hospital (basically if the on-call person gets called in, I do too). Looking forward to learning more and becoming more responsible for more things at the hospital. I never thought that a full-time spot there would open so quickly but I am more than glad it did, especially since the healthcare system I work in will help me finish paying for nursing school (YEAH!!!) and all I have to do is give them 2 years after I graduate, which in the grand scheme of things is just a tiny speck on the timeline of life. Very excited and proud of my sister who is finishing up her STNA training in the coming weeks before she has to take her Boards (Woo hoo JEN!!!) Still feeling a bit overwhelmed with classes this semster but hoping it will ease it's way out sooner rather than later...Ok need to eat and get back to the books...and...I'm out!!!