Cancer. It has affected all of us in some way, shape or form. For me, I lost my grandfather to lung cancer 25 years ago this October. I've lost a high school friend and teammate just two years ago to breast cancer. And now that evil, wretched ugly word has wormed its way back into my life again, this time, a coworker whose husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer a week ago. This is not just any coworker. This is someone I think of as another mom, someone I have confided in about anything and everything, someone who on occasion has had to talk some sense into me and has kept me sane and grounded through a lot of bullshit. And I feel completely helpless. These people are incredible people. They would give you the shirt off their backs. They have welcomed Bec and I into their home and family and we have spent a significant amount of time together hanging out. Just last summer I went with them to see Bob Dylan in concert (one of their favorites) and we have plans to see Santana this summer. And why this, why now? They have had more personal tragedy then anyone I know and have managed to come out on top and always keep it together. Sunday was the first day since learning of "Uncle" B's prognosis that I have managed to keep it together long than a few hours. That was after we went to church and the psalm of the day was Psalm 23 which reads:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. 5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. 6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Are. You. Kidding. Me? I thought there was no way this was coincidence. In a 96 hour span where I just found out one of my closest friends husband is dying, this is the psalm for this week. I had voiced my anger with God, and admittedly, screamed and cursed the Lord's name. But this took the cake.
In the days prior to finding this out, there was some strangeness that had occurred. Strangeness is the best word I could come up with. April 21, myself and some friends traveled to South Bend for the Notre Dame Spring Game and to see the sights of the beautiful campus. Among those sites, was of course The Grotto. If you have never heard of it, the Grotto is like a small cave filled with candles and people go there and light candles and say prayers and just reflect. It's a quiet, peaceful place, away from the noise and crowds of the otherwise bustling campus. Prior to going to the Grotto, I had been having this looming feeling that something wasn't right at home, but had not heard from Bec, or my parents or siblings, so I assumed it was nothing. But when I lit that candle I said a little prayer for that feeling, whatever it was, because it felt like it needed attention. Later as we headed toward the campus bookstore, we saw the Cancer Tree, a tree with ribbons tied to it with the various colors of cancer awareness ribbons. I wanted to tie a pink ribbon on the tree, in memory of my high school friend and my godmother who both passed away from breast cancer. Instead, there were no pink ribbons so I chose white, which signified unspecified types of cancer, still not knowing what I would be learning later in the week.
Even now, almost a week later, I am still a little raw emotionally and feel myself getting upset when I think about it for too long. I know "Uncle" B is going to fight this whole heartedly, 100%. And we are all in the fight with him. Thinking of you often and every prayer imaginable to you, friend.
