Thanks for the warning...

Now I like to consider myself a fairly smart person, I mean common sense and book smarts combined. But did I really think it was possible to work two jobs, go to nursing school full-time and still somehow maintain a healthy relationship with my significant other? I was fully aware that nursing school was probably going to be the death of me but HOLY HELL!!! I can with all honesty say I have never in my life felt so incredibly stressed out, not even when I was coming out did I feel this stressed. I have smoked more cigarettes and swore more in the last 6-8 weeks that most who don't know me would ask if I was a truck driver! What bothers me most is that I am having a difficult time finding the motivation to study and buckle down. But why? Then I start to wonder if I am doing the right thing by being in nursing school. Why do I want to be a nurse? The pressure I have put on myself to finish nursing school is beyond measureable. I guess I am trying to compare it to my mom's experience of nursing school. She was pregnant and gave birth to her third child and only weeks later returned to school and graduated. HOW THE HELL DID SHE DO IT?!?! I mean, my mom and I may not have always gotten along, but I damn sure admire and respect that she and my dad were taking care of two kids (under the age of 5) and she was finishing nursing school. Damn...I'm 29 years old, have no kids, work two jobs (one of which is only one day a week), and cannot for the life of me get motivated to be studious. I want so much more out of life than what I am doing right now. I want B and I to be able to travel and just relax. I don't like who I am when I am stressed out. I get angry, I scream, I cry. Just last week I had a complete melt down at work because I was stressing out about a 15 question quiz in Pharmacology (which I got a B on). Jeseus pull it together, I thought. Right in front of my boss too. (Thank God she is an RN and knows exactly what I am going through). Still, I used to think I was stronger than that. Anyone that knows me well knows I have a tough exterior and big gushy center, a center I don't let show very often. So for me to meltdonw like that was horrifying to me. And when I pologized to my boss later that day, she said "I understand. I was there once and remember how hard it was. You have a lot on your plate and if you need time off to study it's yours". It's the first time someone has told me they understand (aside from my mom of course) what I am going through. That's what makes it so hard when I come home at the end of a long, draining day. B doesn't know what I am going through and she doesn't know how to help besides to say how proud she is and how much she loves. That I am thankful for. Because I know that if it wasn't for her love and the love of family and friends, I would have quit before I was this far in to it. But I am not a quitter...I have too much pride for that. So for now I will continue ploughing through it and keep at it, trying to find my motivation along the way...

Maybe This Won't Be So Bad Afterall

Just finished my fifth week of Spring Semester and it feels amazing!!! I see the lightbulb lighting up in class as more and more things are coming together in my little brain. SO much easier taking Pharmacology in a classroom than taking it online (if I ever think about taking online classes again someone work hard to talk me out of it). Managed an A on my Pharm exam last week and then turned around and got a B on my Concepts exam (thanks V!!). Clinicals are going alot more smoothly...kind of laid it out on the table to my instructor that I don't appreciate being pushed into things I am not yet comfortable doing and she seemed cool with it..I suppose we will see how this next week goes I guess. I miss my boys (no not my nephews, I mean "my boys"). I know the four of them understand me throwing myself into my school work and I appreciate the fact that they respect that too. I have some pretty great friends. I do however miss my nephews, although we did have dinner with Steve (my brother-in-law) and the twins last weekend. I can't believe how fast they are growing and how incredibly smart (sometimes too smart) they are! And how can I forget my Aiden-Boy!!! He now rolls over all by himself at 4 months old. AAHHH!!! It's all so frustrating to feel like you have zero time for those you love but know the end result will payoff for you in the long run...I just hope that they all know that...I suppose I should get back to the books...have been procrastinating a bit since I came home from work..until next time...